Letter to Fiat

Dear Fiat,

My name is Rochelle Fallon and I drive a Fiat Punto. I say drive, i own one and occasionally drive it when it decides to work. Allow me to explain. I bought the car 6 months ago, it has a full service history and some of that has even been done by yourselves. I actually have the receipts to show just how much money has been spent on the damn thing. Let me talk you through it so hopefully, you'll resolve these issues for future models... well i doubt it but I'm going to anyway.

 First, the most annoying thing with the car which is apparently a well known issue is the steering. What is up with that? I can tell your dying to know, well... like anyone i like surprises, however when getting in my car in the morning I'm not too keen on the surprise of whether or not the power steering will work. It used to be it was either working or not when i started the engine. I liked it that way, i always knew where i stood with it. Now it just goes off and on when it pleases, with no regard to whether I'm driving it or not and the fact that is not only rather irritating but completely terrifying when the steering randomly goes off and locks up as I'm driving 40 mph down a 40 road of course. Don't even talk to me about motorways, i just don't dare go on them considering I'm too scared the car is going to have a fit at me and stop working going 70 mph. This is rather annoying as it means I'm generally stuck here as i can't really go to far in my car. It's just awful which I'm sure your only too aware of as you must have lots of people telling you how rubbish your cars are all the time. I wish that was it, i've been quoted £400 as the cheapest to get this issue fixed and even then, it might not be the motor in the steering that they suspect. I'm in a conundrum; do i get it fixed and possibly/probably waste £400 or carry on driving it like this and only park in parking spaces i can drive straight through because i can't maneuver the car? Considering the piece of crap probably isn't even worth £400 I'm really not going to do this. I tried to sell it to webuyanycar.com and guess what? They wouldn't buy it! But i suppose that's for another letter.
 Sticking with the theme of the car being indecisive, when ever I'm starting to get low on petrol, the petrol light comes on, then goes off, then comes on, then goes off. Are you seeing the pattern? This isn't without turning the engine off, in fact it usually decides to go off as I'm approaching a petrol station then comes back on when i've driven past. Now if that's not mocking me I don't know what is.
 I'm seriously running out of options with this thing. I shot myself in the foot with my honesty about the car as even when i opened the bidding to my friends and family at 3 Haribos and a Mars Bar I still didn't get any takers. I would also like to add that the nickname Fix It Again Tomorrow (FIAT) is so very true and my car certainly lives up to it's name. And did you know that Punto is actually the Mexican word for Bitch? Amazing, and definitely instills confidence in you people that you didn't even bother to do your research before naming it, or perhaps that was an intentional thing? Though the car is definitely a bitch, i'd like to suggest some alternative and probably more fitting names such as the Fiat Pooto, or the crap that works when it can be bothered or the don't get your hopes up if your thinking of going on a motorway because it will probably break down car?
 I realise that the only one that flows in the Pooto so i would ask you to consider it, so that nobody else makes the mistake of buying one of your cars without being pre warned that it probably will be poo. I know my cars definitely out of warranty as it is a 2000 model, but with practically everything replaced on it it's like it's brand new. Except it's crap.
 I don't expect you to do anything to restore my confidence in you, but i beg you to buy it back. You can have it for 3 magic beans, a flying carpet, a donkey or a hovercraft. Or you can by all means send me a car that works. No but seriously, i've got my first wrinkle and grey hair because of the stress this piece of crap has caused me. I wish it would get struck by lightning or abducted by aliens so they can probe it and see how it actually works, since nobody on Earth can tell me. Or even nicked and burned out by a load of delinquent underage Chavs. I'd probably risk the £1000 fine and buy them beer if they would just rid me of the thing. The car also seems to stall in any gear at any speed, though i admit, i do feel special, as I'm pretty sure my car is one of a kind. I've sat and thought about it a lot really. As you can imagine i get a lot of time to think as i rarely go out for fear of my car conking out completely, so i just don't bother. The thought that the car has even perhaps been possessed by a Punto poltergeist has come to mind. Try saying that fast. If this is the case could you recommend a good exorcist?
 Help me! I really hope someone replies with a suggestion to get this fixed cheaper, or what actually is wrong with it, or even an acknowledgment that you know your Pootos are completely pants and you want to resolve the issue.

Yours Insanely,

Rochelle Fallon

SkyBet

Dear SkyBet,

My name is Rochelle Fallon and until recently i was a customer of yours. Literally 2 minutes before the start of this letter. No doubt as you can probably guess, this is not a letter congratulating you on your service. Allow me to explain. I’m a bit of a football fan, i support Manchester United and whenever they play a good team, i do not go all macho and think my teams always going to win, in fact quite the opposite. I actually think the other team will win and therefore have a cheeky bet on that team. It’s what i like to call my win win happy place. If my team wins yey! If they don’t i win money! Yey! Female logic... but i have faith incase you were thinking of accusing me of not being true to my team. Anyway, i got a text from SkyBet earlier stating Earn £25 in free bets with SkyBet loyalty if i bet £1 or more on the Chelsea V Man U game. So i thought “oh why not.” My thought process actually was as camp as that, so i set off. I turned on my computer and deposited £5 and placed my bet. Since it never said terms apply i assumed as you have all my details nothing more was needed... How very wrong i was. At first when nothing appeared i thought it might take a minute or so. When nothing happened i began clicking around your website like some kind of mad woman. I suppose i’m proving a point that women and football don’t mix, but let me assure you...  I know the offside rule. After 5 minutes or so i realised i wasn’t going to get my free bets. I mean £25 of free bets may not seem like much to Rupert Murdoch however to a mere mortal like me who has a cheeky bet once in a blue moon, i thought it might save me depositing for a few months. Anyway i clicked on your chat to a SkyBet person and alas it was Sky Neil. Lovely chap, just needed things literally spelling out. However his grammar was perfect. Anyway i asked him what was going on and he said i had to put on £10 a day for the next 5 days to get that bonus. Sorry, what? I thought he was confused as it must be exhausting bull shitting your customers all day, but he assured me it was right. Now i’m actually not a big gambler and i suppose that makes me a rubbish customer, but £50 in a week on bets? Really, who does that apart from people with gambling addictions, which i personally think you have a duty of care to minimise that on your services, anyway thats for another rant... Are you mad people of Sky!
 With that in mind i decided on a cunning plan to cancel my bet and my account, and to simply not watch the match as sky sports is too bloody expensive anyway. So this way, i keep my fiver, at a cost of either possible disappointment or maybe alot of joy, or just not find out the score, and since i work with a load of men, i’m probably going to find out the score. As you can see i’m now in a dilemma all thanks to you... well not you personally whos reading this but the people of Skybet! I asked Sky Neil to close my account which he has kindly done and he’s assured the money will bet put in my account within 5 days.
It’s not good enough SkyBet! You lure people in with false promises of gold. Your like a Trojan Horse all cunning and deceitful. I realise they are strong metaphors for a woman whinging over a £5 on the wrong football team. Imagine how much i will be kicking myself now if my team wins! My bruised legs will be your fault.
The only way i feel i can be compensated is to be given the pay of a footballer in bets or Andy Grays job! If not, then good day!